D.A.

Right now I'm feeling like one lucky bitch.

That's an interesting way to feel, considering a friend of mine just died, and by his own hand.  This guy is one of the nicest guys you'd ever meet, and always had a welcoming, true smile for everyone.  He wasn't too good for anyone or anything, and made everyone he was around feel comfortable.  He was a very skilled skydiver, and yet would jump with an unskilled newbie any day, and be happy doing it (how I got to know him).  There was no one who did not like this guy.  And I'm not just saying that in an honor to him because he's dead.  It's true.  So, this event really sucks.  It's very tough for me, and earlier this week I had an angry conversation with him and a good long cry in the privacy of the basement of the house.  I was planning on going to CA next month, but I moved up my trip last minute, so that I could be at a memorial gathering for my friend at the dropzone.  

The skydiving community is full of a lot of different people, from all walks of life.  Some are very crazy and weird, and on the other end of the spectrum, some very boring, even nerdy.  But there is a common bond to live and experience life in a very full and unafraid way.  And that bond carries through quite a bit (not through everything, but quite a bit).  The community is a community that is in many cases, a "family".  So, I wanted to be at the memorial for my own closure, but even more, to be there for my family.  I would have felt like an ass if there was any way I could reasonably be there, but did not go because the last minute planning was inconvenient for me.  So, as I live on the edge with my hobby and my recent educational endevours, I (again), extend the excitement to my travels.  

I ended up having a wonderful weekend.  My feeling that I was very needed there was quite validated.  That was a reinforcer for me as to why I am changing my career, and helped make this feel more "right".  And it was good for me personally to honor my friend by showing my last respects.  And, in true skydiving fashion, we ended up celebrating and having a good time, despite the overwhelming sadness, as we KNEW our friend would want.  Maybe it was the sadness that just got to heavy and made us crack.  Maybe it was our friend's influence in spirit.  But after the memorial, in the bar, one person thew a cardboard coaster at someone, it got thrown back.. and there it went from there.. a full on coaster battle throughout the whole bar.. trench warfare and all.. for probably 20-30 minutes.  All the frustration and sadness that was pent up by everyone was being let out, and we were doing just what the man of the night would want us to do- have fun.  It was a silly, crazy, and damn beautiful thing.  This is why I like the sport, and that is why I came.

In my friend's spirit, the next day I did 6 jumps, health insurance be damned.  (Yes, I'm working on that, but decided I wasn't going to wait for it to jump).  And one of them was a very good friend's 1000th jump.  How lucky I was to be there for that.  I hadn't jumped in almost two months.. which for me is long, and man was I itching to jump.  I've felt that skydiving will always be a part of my life, but it really clicked this weekend.  I don't think there's any getting away.  I told a few people this weekend that they need to be strong for our friend.. that we need to pick up where he left off, do what he couldn't, and that he'd be pissed to see us not make the best of our lives while we're here.  And I need to live up to my own advice, which I do anyway (hence the career change), but it is hard at times.  But, I got quite the reminder.  

Sunday:

Continuing with the positivity, I attended the stupid and useless orientation today at the community college I'm at, and was able to register for all the rest of the classes I need after the winter Statistics class.  A department chair had held a seat for me in a full class after I told her my situation (and she realized that she scheduled a few less seats than she was supposed to for the class).  So, I am now officially all set for the remainder of my needed pre-reqs, and at the colleges I want.  So now I will NOT have to drive an extra four hours a week to that other school for O Chem.  This is a HUGE relief for me.  My life will definitely be much easier, which is especially great, considering it will be a busy semester.  I am grateful to the department chair.. she just did her job, but she did not have to hold the seat for me for a few days.  I thanked her numerous times.  So, lots of progress was made today and now I can stop planning plans and back up plans.  Now I can just focus on my classes, and also an [easy] standardized test I need to take in February.

I also submitted my application for the nursing program I want to get into.  That was some work, so I'm also glad that is done.  Now.. well, it's about that relax and have faith thing.  Although.. I don't have a back up plan, should I not get into this very selective program.

Thanksgiving + Birthday

I had a nice Thanksgiving/Birthday weekend.  

I signed up for a needed class, Intro to Statistics, for the winter intersession at the community college near my uncle.  So I'll be living there for three weeks after Christmas.  They had morning and evening classes.  I preferred the morning class, and got into the very last morning seat.  So, looks like it works out that I have not gotten a job, being that I will have to be living in a different area for three weeks.  So, I am all set for the rest of my needed classes.  I'm just waiting for admission to the community college near my father so that I can sign up for all my Spring classes there  and not have to drive so far for Organic Chemistry class.

I had Thanksgiving with family, which I haven't had in a while.  It was a great time.  My cousin's daughter even made us personalized placemats!  Here was mine:

I also had a nice birthday yesterday with my friends.

Flashback Friday

This has been a bouncy little journey so far.  But, last Friday, I may have done one of the most difficult things yet.  I walked through the halls of my old high school, right as school got out at the end of the day. 

When applying to the local community college for matriculation, I had to provide my high school transcripts (or wait longer for my college transcripts).  I decided to go my old high school right then, to get it done in the same day, in my effort to do all I can to make what I want to happen, happen.  I ordered my college transcripts later, but they just needed the HS ones to get me accepted (so I can register for over 11.5 credits).  So, I went to my old high school.  Talk about flashback and the power of the mind.  Wow.  

It was an almost instantaneous feeling of discomfort and tension.  High school was not a good time for me.  Not that the school itself was bad, or that anyone gave me too hard of a hard time, or that there was anything wrong with home life.  None of that was the case.  But, this is the time when I was trying to decide what I wanted to go to college for.  This is a time when I wanted to make more friends.  Normal teenage stuff.  However, unlike normal teenagers, I stuttered.  The pure physiological stuttering was more then than it is now, but the anxiety was way more.  I made plenty of acquiescence/friends in school, but was too terrified of the phone to call them to hang out after school or on weekends.  I had a small group of very very good friends, which worked out great.  But there were more friendships I wanted to pursue, but didn't out of fear.  And that made me feel like a coward, and like shit.  I also had no idea what I could handle for work after high school/college.  I knew what I wanted to do, but that didn't matter...  I didn't believe that it was practical, or possible for me with stuttering.

Being back in that building again pretty much put me back in that mindset again, after all the work I've done.  I was aware of what was happening, took that for what it was worth, and was objective about it as I could be.  (A similar feeling happened to me when I set foot on a college campus a couple months ago).  But it was still a bad and strange feeling.  I had to tell the security guard where I was going, and I could barely get a damn word out.  I hand't even been anticipating talking to him.  It was purely physiological tension.  He finished my word for me. I swear I could see strange looks from the people next to him in my peripheral vision.  I have no idea what people are thinking when I can't get a word out.  Do they think I don't know what I'm talking about?  Do they think I have mental abnormalities?  Do they think I'm an ass making a weird joke?  Do they think I'm on drugs?  I don't know.

Anyway, it was strange.  And quite interesting.  And my god... I don't know how I ever survived.  I know the school has grown a lot since I graduated, so maybe it's different, but I don't know how I handled going there every day.  The kids were nuts!  They were running around and loud and rude.. I have a new-found respect for teachers.  Holy crap.  

Reflection

I was thinking lately about the last few months.  Thinking about how quickly I made some big changes, about where I am now compared to where I was not long ago, etc.  I don't like how quickly, I quit, but that's the timeframe I had.  Now I feel like it worked out for the best, because there's no way I would have had time to work full time, take the classes I'm taking, and do all this planning work I've been doing for the rest of the education.  The moving was nuts.. it all worked out.  The car fiasco, was.. a fiasco.  And it's since worked out, after some major frustration and worrying.  I miss CA, I miss my awesome South Pas apartment.  I miss seeing my skydiving friends almost every weekend.  I also am enjoying things here, I am actually enjoying the change of season, despite knowing what's coming (winter).  I'm definitely enjoying seeing my family more.  I've been catching up with old friends and am planning on doing more of that.  I'm enjoying the extra time to myself, being able to sleep in, and being able to cook more.  Healthy eating requires time planning, shopping (produce needs to be eat quickly and goes bad), and time cooking.  I've been cooking healthy meals for me and my father this past week.  They've been passing the test- he likes them a lot!  And they are good for his health!  It feels great to help him with that.  I feel strange not working, and being much stricter about spending.  But that's an easy sacrifice for what the ultimate pay off is to me.  I am enjoying what I'm learning in school, although I've never really enjoyed the college lifestyle.  I applied for three retail jobs, no calls.  Maybe I'm overqualified. I will apply for more, but decided to wait til after Thanksgiving, as I haven't had my favorite holiday with my family in a long time and am looking forward to it.  It's also my birthday weekend, and my mother and brother and I will all be at my uncle's.  The weird part is that next semester is going to be a lot, and I don't know how much time I'll have to work.  Well, to work and get good grades.

As for school, I continue to struggle with the registration process.  The community college I'm at now doesn't normally offer that Organic Chemistry class in the Spring, but I just found out that they do have one class this year!  WOW.  This could be perfect.  However, registering for it puts me over their 11.5 credit limit for non-degree-seeking students.  So, I have to apply to the college as a degree-seeking student, even though I have no intention of getting a degree from them.  So, I have to wait for that to process, and then shift my schedule all around to cater to this one class, and hope that the only classes that fit in my schedule don't fill.  So far they're not, but there is one that's getting close.  So, I am again on the edge of my seat shitting a brick.  But.. at least it's a small one. I am in.. at the local community college and the one over an hour away for the Spring.  So, I'm good.  But my life will be a hell of a lot easier and I will spend a hell of a lot less money on gas if I can take all the classes at the local community college.  The little rules of colleges are very frustrating.  But.. gotta do what I gotta do.  Again, I'm in a situation that I could have done something about much earlier, but didn't know I needed to.  I'm noticing a [frustrating] theme.

In the meantime, I'm also about done with my application to my top pick nursing program.  I'm having either computer problems or the application software is having issues.  So, I will try to upload the files I need to upload on a school computer, or will have to call their help line.  Pain.  

With all this, I keep doing what I have to do. I don't like the way this process is working, but as long as the things I need to do are possible, I'm good.  In the meantime, I'm trying to not miss the forest for the trees and focus on the big picture, and enjoy the extra freedom with my time that I have now.  (Even though it's filled with a lot more "work" than I thought.. I'm still free on how to spend the time doing it).  I was thinking before that I'm very lucky to have this opportunity to be frustrated by the higher-education process.  There are people in other countries who don't have the opportunity for education the way we do in the US.  Even in the US, there are people who are not lucky enough to have the family support to stop working for a while and go back to school.  I'm lucky to have the the freedom to .. be frustrated ;-)

Fun

Enjoying the nice weather on a bike ride with my uncle. Point Lookout, NY.

Forward Progress

Operation Organic Chemistry is a success. With four seats left.. I'm officially registered. Trying to keep everything in perspective, but I am quite relieved. Now I won't be set back a whole year because of one class.

Temperance

Temperance is almost invariably depicted as a person pouring liquid from one receptacle into another. Historically, this was a standard symbol of the virtue temperance, one of the cardinal virtues, representing the dilution of wine with water. In many decks, the person is a winged person/angel, usually female or androgynous, and stands with one foot on water and one foot on land.

In addition to its literal meaning of temperance or moderation, the Temperance card is often interpreted as symbolizing the blending or synthesis of opposites. An influential tradition originating with the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn associates Temperance with the astrological sign Sagittarius. It is also commonly associated with the letter ס (Samekh) in the Hebrew alphabet.

In the Rider-Waite-Smith deck, the Sun in the background conceals a crown. That crown is the ego, who has died and is at the cusp of the adventures of the night.

I'm not sure what happened in the universe today, but it was a very good day.   It started when a smart and successful man and friend reminded me to find balance in this phase, as in all of life.  So in my case, I will do my best going after my goals, and accept what happens similarly, whether or not its the desired outcome... and don't get too excited or let down either way.  Ok, I have noticed some truth to this in life.  We all know that all can be changed in an instant because of things totally out of our control.  I am also pretty passionate with some things, and so I need to remind myself to live this advice.  At least I felt better.

Then, I got a call from the car rental company, that the insurance had authorized all payments.  This is a HUGE relief for me, although its just things going as they should.

In the mail, I also finally got my acceptance to Dutchess Community College, which has the one Organic Chemistry class of 16 seats.  There are now 4 seats left.  I will be there at 9 am tomorrow, with my transcripts, to register.  I hope there are not more than 4 people there to register for the class.  And I hope that I have no other hold ups, like having to wait for a later non-matriculated student registration or something.  And whatever happens, I will go with it...

My Afternoon

 

I love memorizing muscles!

I'll spare the gory stuff.

October Snow

Hope?

Ok, so there's one more school I could commute to that offers the organic chemistry class I need, plus all the others.  They also offer a winter intersession statistics class.  My spring schedule would actually work out really well.  It's the community college near my uncle's house, where I plan to live when attending the nursing program I'm tying to get into.  I had planned to live there during the spring semester originally, so now I'm back to my original plan.  

However, I still have the same problem of limited seats filling up.  As a non-degree seeking student, I have to wait until after everyone else to register.  There is one organic chemistry class/20 seats that seems to be transferable.  But, there are also two other more difficult classes/19 seats each that should also transfer.  Hopefully I will get into the easier one, but I could still have the backup of the more difficult ones.. so  long as they don't fill too!  Most courses have many classes to choose from, but this class is limited at best.  So, I will register at the other school I am waiting for, if it doesn't fill. I will also apply for admission to this school, and hope that it doesn't fill up by the time I can register.  So: go after both, then wait, wait, hope, hope...  And try not to shit a brick in the meantime.  At least I have some hope and some uncertain "plan".  Then I'll know where I'll be living after Christmas and if I can stay on track for starting nursing school in Fall of 2012.  Then I still have to hope I get into my top pick.  And probably look at a couple back ups.

And yes, it's snowing.  Before Halloween, it is snowing in Orange County, NY.  There is supposed to be a lot more coming.

Aaaanddd.. I got my check for the value of my totaled car in the mail today!  They still have to pay the car rental company.. will follow up with that soon.  But, this is good progress and some relief.