Masterpiece!

This isn't just any gingerbread house! 

Just Some Books

Ready for the Spring semester.  That is, after my winter Stats class.  Everything should be interesting, except Organic Chemistry.  But I could see how it could be useful.

Holidelic Weekend

My finals are done. Straight As (in all of my two classes). I have a break until just after Christmas, when I take my 3-week long winter session class while living at my uncles'. I have a long weekend after that, and then its straight into the spring semester. I'm using my time now to prep for the standardized pre-nursing exam in February. It won't be hard at all, but I do need to refresh on stuff, as it's been a while.

Had another great weekend. On Saturday, I volunteered for a theater group for children who stutter. We filmed a music video at a high school in Harlem. My grandmother lived in Harlem, and it's changed a lot since I was a kid. The filming went well and my help was appreciated. After, we went downtown and saw a funny/satire holiday show called "Holidelic".

Sunday was "cookie day" at a friend's family's place, which has an amazing view. It was really cool; the family is very welcoming and fun. I'm very lucky to have some great friends, on two coasts. Some very creative cookies were made. Most had a holiday theme, but not all did.

Chrysler building cookie:

Here is the new "Freedom Tower" being built where the twin towers stood.  It sparkles on the East River from this view.

Pennsylvania

Everybody loves kittens, right?? 

I visited my mother, brother, and step-father this weekend.  They moved to central Pennsylvania about 5 years ago.  But I've never visited, since they're about 4-5 hours away from NYC, and I couldn't fit all that travel in my visits home (and still actually have quality time to spend with the people I'm visiting).  Mom and bro would usually come to NY and stay with me and our family.  So this past Saturday was my younger brother's 19th birthday, and so I made the drive out to visit.  This is their new kitten.  They already have a cat, and my mother has wanted to get a 2nd cat to keep her company, so my brother's birthday was a good excuse.  The grown cat didn't like him at first, of course, but very soon, they were playing chase around the apartment.  We had a nice weekend. 

D.A.

Right now I'm feeling like one lucky bitch.

That's an interesting way to feel, considering a friend of mine just died, and by his own hand.  This guy is one of the nicest guys you'd ever meet, and always had a welcoming, true smile for everyone.  He wasn't too good for anyone or anything, and made everyone he was around feel comfortable.  He was a very skilled skydiver, and yet would jump with an unskilled newbie any day, and be happy doing it (how I got to know him).  There was no one who did not like this guy.  And I'm not just saying that in an honor to him because he's dead.  It's true.  So, this event really sucks.  It's very tough for me, and earlier this week I had an angry conversation with him and a good long cry in the privacy of the basement of the house.  I was planning on going to CA next month, but I moved up my trip last minute, so that I could be at a memorial gathering for my friend at the dropzone.  

The skydiving community is full of a lot of different people, from all walks of life.  Some are very crazy and weird, and on the other end of the spectrum, some very boring, even nerdy.  But there is a common bond to live and experience life in a very full and unafraid way.  And that bond carries through quite a bit (not through everything, but quite a bit).  The community is a community that is in many cases, a "family".  So, I wanted to be at the memorial for my own closure, but even more, to be there for my family.  I would have felt like an ass if there was any way I could reasonably be there, but did not go because the last minute planning was inconvenient for me.  So, as I live on the edge with my hobby and my recent educational endevours, I (again), extend the excitement to my travels.  

I ended up having a wonderful weekend.  My feeling that I was very needed there was quite validated.  That was a reinforcer for me as to why I am changing my career, and helped make this feel more "right".  And it was good for me personally to honor my friend by showing my last respects.  And, in true skydiving fashion, we ended up celebrating and having a good time, despite the overwhelming sadness, as we KNEW our friend would want.  Maybe it was the sadness that just got to heavy and made us crack.  Maybe it was our friend's influence in spirit.  But after the memorial, in the bar, one person thew a cardboard coaster at someone, it got thrown back.. and there it went from there.. a full on coaster battle throughout the whole bar.. trench warfare and all.. for probably 20-30 minutes.  All the frustration and sadness that was pent up by everyone was being let out, and we were doing just what the man of the night would want us to do- have fun.  It was a silly, crazy, and damn beautiful thing.  This is why I like the sport, and that is why I came.

In my friend's spirit, the next day I did 6 jumps, health insurance be damned.  (Yes, I'm working on that, but decided I wasn't going to wait for it to jump).  And one of them was a very good friend's 1000th jump.  How lucky I was to be there for that.  I hadn't jumped in almost two months.. which for me is long, and man was I itching to jump.  I've felt that skydiving will always be a part of my life, but it really clicked this weekend.  I don't think there's any getting away.  I told a few people this weekend that they need to be strong for our friend.. that we need to pick up where he left off, do what he couldn't, and that he'd be pissed to see us not make the best of our lives while we're here.  And I need to live up to my own advice, which I do anyway (hence the career change), but it is hard at times.  But, I got quite the reminder.  

Sunday:

Continuing with the positivity, I attended the stupid and useless orientation today at the community college I'm at, and was able to register for all the rest of the classes I need after the winter Statistics class.  A department chair had held a seat for me in a full class after I told her my situation (and she realized that she scheduled a few less seats than she was supposed to for the class).  So, I am now officially all set for the remainder of my needed pre-reqs, and at the colleges I want.  So now I will NOT have to drive an extra four hours a week to that other school for O Chem.  This is a HUGE relief for me.  My life will definitely be much easier, which is especially great, considering it will be a busy semester.  I am grateful to the department chair.. she just did her job, but she did not have to hold the seat for me for a few days.  I thanked her numerous times.  So, lots of progress was made today and now I can stop planning plans and back up plans.  Now I can just focus on my classes, and also an [easy] standardized test I need to take in February.

I also submitted my application for the nursing program I want to get into.  That was some work, so I'm also glad that is done.  Now.. well, it's about that relax and have faith thing.  Although.. I don't have a back up plan, should I not get into this very selective program.

Thanksgiving + Birthday

I had a nice Thanksgiving/Birthday weekend.  

I signed up for a needed class, Intro to Statistics, for the winter intersession at the community college near my uncle.  So I'll be living there for three weeks after Christmas.  They had morning and evening classes.  I preferred the morning class, and got into the very last morning seat.  So, looks like it works out that I have not gotten a job, being that I will have to be living in a different area for three weeks.  So, I am all set for the rest of my needed classes.  I'm just waiting for admission to the community college near my father so that I can sign up for all my Spring classes there  and not have to drive so far for Organic Chemistry class.

I had Thanksgiving with family, which I haven't had in a while.  It was a great time.  My cousin's daughter even made us personalized placemats!  Here was mine:

I also had a nice birthday yesterday with my friends.

Flashback Friday

This has been a bouncy little journey so far.  But, last Friday, I may have done one of the most difficult things yet.  I walked through the halls of my old high school, right as school got out at the end of the day. 

When applying to the local community college for matriculation, I had to provide my high school transcripts (or wait longer for my college transcripts).  I decided to go my old high school right then, to get it done in the same day, in my effort to do all I can to make what I want to happen, happen.  I ordered my college transcripts later, but they just needed the HS ones to get me accepted (so I can register for over 11.5 credits).  So, I went to my old high school.  Talk about flashback and the power of the mind.  Wow.  

It was an almost instantaneous feeling of discomfort and tension.  High school was not a good time for me.  Not that the school itself was bad, or that anyone gave me too hard of a hard time, or that there was anything wrong with home life.  None of that was the case.  But, this is the time when I was trying to decide what I wanted to go to college for.  This is a time when I wanted to make more friends.  Normal teenage stuff.  However, unlike normal teenagers, I stuttered.  The pure physiological stuttering was more then than it is now, but the anxiety was way more.  I made plenty of acquiescence/friends in school, but was too terrified of the phone to call them to hang out after school or on weekends.  I had a small group of very very good friends, which worked out great.  But there were more friendships I wanted to pursue, but didn't out of fear.  And that made me feel like a coward, and like shit.  I also had no idea what I could handle for work after high school/college.  I knew what I wanted to do, but that didn't matter...  I didn't believe that it was practical, or possible for me with stuttering.

Being back in that building again pretty much put me back in that mindset again, after all the work I've done.  I was aware of what was happening, took that for what it was worth, and was objective about it as I could be.  (A similar feeling happened to me when I set foot on a college campus a couple months ago).  But it was still a bad and strange feeling.  I had to tell the security guard where I was going, and I could barely get a damn word out.  I hand't even been anticipating talking to him.  It was purely physiological tension.  He finished my word for me. I swear I could see strange looks from the people next to him in my peripheral vision.  I have no idea what people are thinking when I can't get a word out.  Do they think I don't know what I'm talking about?  Do they think I have mental abnormalities?  Do they think I'm an ass making a weird joke?  Do they think I'm on drugs?  I don't know.

Anyway, it was strange.  And quite interesting.  And my god... I don't know how I ever survived.  I know the school has grown a lot since I graduated, so maybe it's different, but I don't know how I handled going there every day.  The kids were nuts!  They were running around and loud and rude.. I have a new-found respect for teachers.  Holy crap.  

Reflection

I was thinking lately about the last few months.  Thinking about how quickly I made some big changes, about where I am now compared to where I was not long ago, etc.  I don't like how quickly, I quit, but that's the timeframe I had.  Now I feel like it worked out for the best, because there's no way I would have had time to work full time, take the classes I'm taking, and do all this planning work I've been doing for the rest of the education.  The moving was nuts.. it all worked out.  The car fiasco, was.. a fiasco.  And it's since worked out, after some major frustration and worrying.  I miss CA, I miss my awesome South Pas apartment.  I miss seeing my skydiving friends almost every weekend.  I also am enjoying things here, I am actually enjoying the change of season, despite knowing what's coming (winter).  I'm definitely enjoying seeing my family more.  I've been catching up with old friends and am planning on doing more of that.  I'm enjoying the extra time to myself, being able to sleep in, and being able to cook more.  Healthy eating requires time planning, shopping (produce needs to be eat quickly and goes bad), and time cooking.  I've been cooking healthy meals for me and my father this past week.  They've been passing the test- he likes them a lot!  And they are good for his health!  It feels great to help him with that.  I feel strange not working, and being much stricter about spending.  But that's an easy sacrifice for what the ultimate pay off is to me.  I am enjoying what I'm learning in school, although I've never really enjoyed the college lifestyle.  I applied for three retail jobs, no calls.  Maybe I'm overqualified. I will apply for more, but decided to wait til after Thanksgiving, as I haven't had my favorite holiday with my family in a long time and am looking forward to it.  It's also my birthday weekend, and my mother and brother and I will all be at my uncle's.  The weird part is that next semester is going to be a lot, and I don't know how much time I'll have to work.  Well, to work and get good grades.

As for school, I continue to struggle with the registration process.  The community college I'm at now doesn't normally offer that Organic Chemistry class in the Spring, but I just found out that they do have one class this year!  WOW.  This could be perfect.  However, registering for it puts me over their 11.5 credit limit for non-degree-seeking students.  So, I have to apply to the college as a degree-seeking student, even though I have no intention of getting a degree from them.  So, I have to wait for that to process, and then shift my schedule all around to cater to this one class, and hope that the only classes that fit in my schedule don't fill.  So far they're not, but there is one that's getting close.  So, I am again on the edge of my seat shitting a brick.  But.. at least it's a small one. I am in.. at the local community college and the one over an hour away for the Spring.  So, I'm good.  But my life will be a hell of a lot easier and I will spend a hell of a lot less money on gas if I can take all the classes at the local community college.  The little rules of colleges are very frustrating.  But.. gotta do what I gotta do.  Again, I'm in a situation that I could have done something about much earlier, but didn't know I needed to.  I'm noticing a [frustrating] theme.

In the meantime, I'm also about done with my application to my top pick nursing program.  I'm having either computer problems or the application software is having issues.  So, I will try to upload the files I need to upload on a school computer, or will have to call their help line.  Pain.  

With all this, I keep doing what I have to do. I don't like the way this process is working, but as long as the things I need to do are possible, I'm good.  In the meantime, I'm trying to not miss the forest for the trees and focus on the big picture, and enjoy the extra freedom with my time that I have now.  (Even though it's filled with a lot more "work" than I thought.. I'm still free on how to spend the time doing it).  I was thinking before that I'm very lucky to have this opportunity to be frustrated by the higher-education process.  There are people in other countries who don't have the opportunity for education the way we do in the US.  Even in the US, there are people who are not lucky enough to have the family support to stop working for a while and go back to school.  I'm lucky to have the the freedom to .. be frustrated ;-)

Fun

Enjoying the nice weather on a bike ride with my uncle. Point Lookout, NY.

Forward Progress

Operation Organic Chemistry is a success. With four seats left.. I'm officially registered. Trying to keep everything in perspective, but I am quite relieved. Now I won't be set back a whole year because of one class.

Temperance

Temperance is almost invariably depicted as a person pouring liquid from one receptacle into another. Historically, this was a standard symbol of the virtue temperance, one of the cardinal virtues, representing the dilution of wine with water. In many decks, the person is a winged person/angel, usually female or androgynous, and stands with one foot on water and one foot on land.

In addition to its literal meaning of temperance or moderation, the Temperance card is often interpreted as symbolizing the blending or synthesis of opposites. An influential tradition originating with the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn associates Temperance with the astrological sign Sagittarius. It is also commonly associated with the letter ס (Samekh) in the Hebrew alphabet.

In the Rider-Waite-Smith deck, the Sun in the background conceals a crown. That crown is the ego, who has died and is at the cusp of the adventures of the night.

I'm not sure what happened in the universe today, but it was a very good day.   It started when a smart and successful man and friend reminded me to find balance in this phase, as in all of life.  So in my case, I will do my best going after my goals, and accept what happens similarly, whether or not its the desired outcome... and don't get too excited or let down either way.  Ok, I have noticed some truth to this in life.  We all know that all can be changed in an instant because of things totally out of our control.  I am also pretty passionate with some things, and so I need to remind myself to live this advice.  At least I felt better.

Then, I got a call from the car rental company, that the insurance had authorized all payments.  This is a HUGE relief for me, although its just things going as they should.

In the mail, I also finally got my acceptance to Dutchess Community College, which has the one Organic Chemistry class of 16 seats.  There are now 4 seats left.  I will be there at 9 am tomorrow, with my transcripts, to register.  I hope there are not more than 4 people there to register for the class.  And I hope that I have no other hold ups, like having to wait for a later non-matriculated student registration or something.  And whatever happens, I will go with it...

My Afternoon

 

I love memorizing muscles!

I'll spare the gory stuff.

October Snow

Hope?

Ok, so there's one more school I could commute to that offers the organic chemistry class I need, plus all the others.  They also offer a winter intersession statistics class.  My spring schedule would actually work out really well.  It's the community college near my uncle's house, where I plan to live when attending the nursing program I'm tying to get into.  I had planned to live there during the spring semester originally, so now I'm back to my original plan.  

However, I still have the same problem of limited seats filling up.  As a non-degree seeking student, I have to wait until after everyone else to register.  There is one organic chemistry class/20 seats that seems to be transferable.  But, there are also two other more difficult classes/19 seats each that should also transfer.  Hopefully I will get into the easier one, but I could still have the backup of the more difficult ones.. so  long as they don't fill too!  Most courses have many classes to choose from, but this class is limited at best.  So, I will register at the other school I am waiting for, if it doesn't fill. I will also apply for admission to this school, and hope that it doesn't fill up by the time I can register.  So: go after both, then wait, wait, hope, hope...  And try not to shit a brick in the meantime.  At least I have some hope and some uncertain "plan".  Then I'll know where I'll be living after Christmas and if I can stay on track for starting nursing school in Fall of 2012.  Then I still have to hope I get into my top pick.  And probably look at a couple back ups.

And yes, it's snowing.  Before Halloween, it is snowing in Orange County, NY.  There is supposed to be a lot more coming.

Aaaanddd.. I got my check for the value of my totaled car in the mail today!  They still have to pay the car rental company.. will follow up with that soon.  But, this is good progress and some relief.

Nervous

So, this is the frustrating part.  I've been spending a lot of time looking into other nursing programs, besides my top pick, which is really the only place I want to go.  But they're very selective and accept a low percentage of applicants, so I should keep my options open.  Different programs require different pre-requisite courses.. and I cannot satisfy all pre-requisites for all programs this year.  Nor would I want to.  So, it's all just a very uncertain situation.  I'm fine with working hard, and I go after what I want.  However, not having a place to properly focus my energy on is very frustrating and discouraging to me.  But this is the way this works, and this is what I've chosen.  

Regarding the path for my top choice program... the organic chemistry class is driving me even crazier.  The community college one county over from my father put up their Spring schedule and they do not offer it.  So, I'm left with the ONE class I can find at a college over an hour away.  It had 16 seats when I posted last week, and now half of these seats have already been filled.  I applied for the college last week.  As soon as they accept me, I can register.  I have the rest of my spring schedule planned at my current college.  I just hope ....hope hope hope.. that this class doesn't fill up before then.  I'm very, very nervous about it.  If this class fills, then I will have to see if I can go to a totally different community college near my uncle's and they will have to offer all the classes I need.  I'm starting to look into that as well, as back up.  It's a lot of boring, frustrating, and sometimes discouraging work.  I think I'm physically worrying myself sick.  The one good thing is that the other community college close to my father has one of the classes I need to take during the winter intersession.  I emailed the course info to the academic adviser at my top pick school to make sure it transfers.  I think it will, and that will at least lighten my heavy load next semester.

I've spent the last couple days writing a personal statement for my top pick nursing school.  A very good friend of mine provided me with some very valuable input and comments.  I also made a separate resume for the purposes of nursing school application, at his recommendation.  I'm pretty confident with it at this point. I will make sure it's refined and then submit my application soon.  I have a pretty good story, combined with the GPA they're looking for.  I honestly think I have a very good chance of getting in, but am still concerned with their selectivity.

In other news, the weather here in NY has been pretty good.  It's been a mild and beautiful fall.  Until today.  It all of the sudden skipped to winter, with temps in the upper 30s / low 40s today.  Tomorrow it's supposed to be in the upper 30s and the forecast predicts 6-10 inches of snow where I'm at.  !!!!!  Snow before Halloween is quite rare... 6-10 inches is crazy!!  We'll see....   It's supposed to warm back up to normal fall temperatures after that.  

Tough

I haven't really been in a good mood lately.  A few things in my personal life are weighing on me, combined/topped off by BS that's incomprehensible to me. I do [much] better with BS I can understand than BS I can't.  The insurance company paying for my car rental (which is now returned) and the value of my totaled car, is a nightmare.  The agent I'm working with doesn't return my calls and only answers about half the time.  When I talk to him, he says he will do stuff, but he doesn't.  I'm tired of telling him to do his job.  Then sometimes I'm feeling like I'm getting the run around.  I feel uneasy about the whole situation.  I can't wait until they pay the rental company, I get my money for my car, and this is all done and behind me.  But, until then, I will be calling his boss directly.

On the note of not feeling in the best mood.. I knew certain tough aspects of this change would be unavoidable.  It is tough to leave the strict routine and the financial safety and cushion I've had for the last 7 years.  I've lived this college life before, just fine, but this time it seems foreign.  And it's tough.  And it's incredibly different when you're actively chasing something you truly want, instead of pretty much going through motions.  But.. that is a good thing as well.  I'm very lucky to have a supportive family and friends to make this possible.  I will feel a lot better when I have my health insurance straightened out.  I was hoping to possibly get a civil engineering internship, but it's not promising.  I applied for Starbuck's late last week.

My classes are going very well. I got a 99 on my lab midterm practical, and my last Psychology test was almost insultingly easy.  I went to an open house last week for my top pick nursing program.  Last year, they accepted 27 out of over 200 applicants for the program I'm trying to get into.  Lovely!  Well respected program AND very cheap = lots of applicants.  They said based on who they have accepted in the past, they are looking at at least a 3.6 GPA on your first degree.  Mine was a 3.7 or 3.8, so I'm it looks like I'm in their target range.  I also have to take a standardized test, which looks easy.  And, now they require a written personal statement on your career goals in nursing.  I think that will help me, as I have a good story for that one.  My stuttering has brought me patience with and compassion for others that I believe is fairly unique.  

It looks like I will be finishing my pre-requisite courses at community college upstate with dad.   That wasn't my original plan, but it's good.  I will get to spend more time living with him, and more time with my kitties.  And he has been helping me out with little things so much, it's very appreciated.  This next coming semester may be the most difficult of this whole nursing education.  I'll be taking about 18 credits: 5 classes, three with a lab.  One of them is organic chemistry, which is the only class  in my college career that I've heard horror stories about that I actually believe.  SO, I have no problem taking it at a community college!  The bad thing is that they don't offer it in the Spring semester at the college I'm currently at, where I will be taking my other classes.  And the even worse thing is, is that I could have been taking it right now, but didn't so that I could take as many pre-reqs as I could at the college I wan to end up at (where the nursing program is).  I was under the impression that they wanted that, and it would help me.  But after attending the open house, that doesn't seem to be the case.  I'm kicking myself in the ass for not taking it now, especially with my easier courseload.  So, now I have to find a school that has this class in the Spring, and bust my ass next semester because I didn't make the smart decision.  I have no problem busting my ass, but not happy about it when it was avoidable.  I'm nervous about being able to find this class. I checked many schools, and they either don't offer it in the spring, or don't have their spring schedules out yet.  I found one community college, an hour away from my current school, that has one class of 16 seats in the spring.  So, I hope I can get in.  Or even better, I hope a closer college puts up their spring schedule and has it. This uncertainty is part of what I don't like about this educational phase (vs the comfortable working phase I just came from).  I have to have these five classes done by the end of the spring semester to be able to start the nursing program I'm trying to get into next fall.

Right now I'm going to visit a good friend of mine, and am looking forward to it.  He was my speech therapist as a kid and we have always kept in touch.  We catch up about once a year in person, but now that I'm here, we can catch up more.  He has a good affect on people around him, always gives me good perspective, and I'm looking forward to our visit.  I have lots of good speech-related things to share with him.

Car

My new car.  2008 Hyundai Sonata / 79,000 miles.  I really like it.

Getting the paperwork all done to get my money for my totaled car and the rental is a pain the ass.  It's a friggin nightmare.. stressing me.  I can't wait til it's all done and right.

Chugging

Things are chugging along well in Lori land.  School is very easy.  But, it better be- being that I'm not working and am only taking two classes.  Anatomy & Physiology is a lot of material, but as long as I stay on top of it, don't find it hard at all.  I got a friggin perfect score on our first lecture test, with 75 questions.  We had our lab midterm last week.  I doubt I got 100%, but think I did real well.  Will find out.  I've had to do a lot of memorization of bones and bone markings.  I often recite them in the shower, while driving, while standing in lines, etc.  Which I don't mind at all.  It's all good to me.  We're moving on to muscles now, which I've heard is even more memorization than all the bone markings.  Psychology class is ridiculously easy.  I feel like our professor doesn't think it is.. but it seems to me like everyone else gets it too.  Her tests are very simple.  I wrote my one paper for the semester for Psych last week. I spent a lot of time on it, probably too much.  I'd rather memorize bone markings any day over writing the paper.  But that's over now, which I'm glad about.  I handed it in today and had to do a short presentation on it.

Things with my car are taking an annoyingly long time.  I have to call this insurance guy all the time to remind him to do his job.  It's very frustrating.  I finally got the paperwork I needed from him to reimburse me for the value of my car.  I'm getting a lot more than I thought I was going to get, so I'm happy.  I mailed it in today and now will wait yet some more.  I can't wait until it's all wrapped up.  The car that I got- my "new used" car- is shaping up well.  I got the paint work I wanted done on it, and it looks awesome.  I love how it looks.  My old after-market radio will be transferred in tomorrow and I'll be all set.  Pics soon.  I've been thinking about maybe getting an aftermarket bluetooth set up for my phone.  We'll see.

Been spending more family and friend time, which I appreciate very much.  Attached is me this past weekend.

This Friday I'm going to an open house/informational session for the nursing programs at Hunter-Bellevue, which is where I really want to go to school.  I'm hoping to get a lot of good info.

Family

I had a really great weekend of spending time with lots of family and good friends.  We had great times and laughed real hard.  I really appreciate being able to spend more time with them.  Also, my cousins' children are some awesome kids and fun to play with!

School is going well.  I had my first test last week, in Psychology.  I think I did well.  I have another test tomorrow in Anatomy & Physiology.  A&P is starting to become crazy with the memorizing, but I'm keeping on top of it and am loving learning it.  I have to write a short paper for Psychology due in a week, and doing the research for it is like pulling teeth for me.  I much prefer working through math and science problems, and memorizing bones.

Odds

And on to other news...

What are the odds that an auto transporter would be in an accident and your car would get squashed on the bottom row??  I bet they're slim.  And with my luck, it's not a total surprise that I'm in that small percentage.  But it's still a major "kick in the balls".  I'm not sure if there is some ulterior meaning I'm supposed to see/find in this.

My newest goal is to work with the insurance to clean up this mess the best I can.  

Adirondacks

I was lucky enough to spend this weekend at a great friend's beautiful house on Schroon Lake in the Adirondacks of northeastern NY state.  We had a very nice, relaxing time in nature... minus the five mosquito bites in two days. We made smores on the outdoor fire, did some kayaking, jet skiing, wine drinking, and general lounging around.  

Schroon Lake

Schroon Lake

Foliage

Sunset from the lake house deck

Feelings. California. Other.

I won't say my emotions are on a roller coaster.  They're absolutely not.  They're very constant.  The things is- they span a quite significant portion of the emotional spectrum, about different and specific things.  That's as far as I'll go for the deep stuff.  

In other news, I spent this weekend in Southern California.  When not jumping from them, I find planes very conducive to sleeping and studying.  Perfect!  I was treated to a great dinner and drinks by my former bosses, and had a very nice time.  I continue to be quite touched by them.  Then I had a fun weekend hanging with my skydiving friends and getting in a few jumps.  I borrowed gear from various people, as some of mine is still in transit, and I also didn't want to lug around and worry about both my rig and the cat on the plane one the way back.  Speaking of which, I was dreading the plane ride back with my Stewie-cat.  But she was a friggin rock star!  She did great.. couldn't have asked for a better cat.  She usually is a horrible bitch in the car, but she was great on the plane.  She even stayed totally quiet on the car ride up to my father's. I don't know what got into her.  She's adjusting very well to dad's house.  She's spent some time here before, but that was over 7 years ago.  

We got the rest of the pictures from my cousin's wedding.  Below is one of my favorites, during my maid of honor speech to the bride.  I'm glad I can crack myself up.

I'd also like to share a quote a friend posted recently.  I agree with it.  It's "the American Way", which I'm afraid seems to be dying out.  Hopefully my current opportunity will be more of a tangible manifestation in a few years.. that's the idea ;-)

Wedding

Had a crazy and amazing time at my cousin Kerry's wedding this Saturday.  It felt so great to be able to give a toast as Maid of Honor at the reception and say how proud I am of her and her husband in front of both of our families.  I had a blast seeing so much family at once and celebrating a great event.  Below are some pictures.  They are beautiful, but the blog GREATLY reduces the quality...

Photos by Jenny Harper: www.jharps.com

Work

I had a crazy weekend: unloaded the moving truck, but still need to unpack.  I did a shitload of driving and had a nice bachelorette party with my cousin in Atlantic City.  I had a nice Labor Day with good friends.  This weekend is my cousin's wedding.  There will be lots of family, which I'm really looking forward to.  And lots of craziness I'm sure.  Then I will be free of maid of honor "duties".  Haha. 

Not working right now is making me feel weird.. kinda shitty actually.  I do have a couple more nice paychecks coming in from my old job, but I know they won't be continuing.  It's an unsettling feeling.  Adjusting to the new financial situation will be tough too, but feel that it's doable, and I know that it's temporary.  Now is a time that I feel good I'm keeping this blog, because it's forcing me to remember why I'm getting myself into this less than ideal situation..  keeping me accountable for my own "greater good".

My goal right now is getting certifiied nurses aid (CNA) training and a part time job.  My thought is that once the training is done and I move down to Long Beach, NY at the end of the year- where I intend to be for the rest of my eduation- I can find part time work as a CNA.  I think I would be able to get flexible hours, will get some great experience, would get me used to working within nursing, and would also be great for my resume.  I have looked into a few options and it seems that it may be a little difficult to find CNA training that fits my school schedule.  I'm still looking into options.  I got a list of places that offer the training from the career center at school, but many of the places said they do not offer the training when I called.  Ugh.  But either way, once that is set up (or not), I should find a part time job for this semester.  I'm hoping to work at a Starbucks.  If I can fit 20 hours into my schedule, then I can also get some health and dental benefits.  It would also get me a lot of good practice with my speech.  It's a little masochistic, but I have to be to live well.  Again, the only way to successfully work with a fear is to face it head on.

First Day of School

Hurricane Irene.. blah blah..  Many homes lost power, some still don't have it.  But dad's place has been fine, minus some minor leaking in the basement and a couple tree branches.  We're housing some food for his girlfriend (who doesn't have power) in the extra fridge in the basement. The train from dad's to NYC was suspended, now it looks like it's running, but with delays. So, hopefully soon it will be back to normal, as I'll be using it a lot in the near future.

So, today was my first day of school.  [Picture of where I took my break between classes, above.]  Today I have some thoughts that may seem weirdly deep, except to my stuttering friends.

It felt very odd to be a student again.  I felt something I didn't really expect to feel, but thinking about it, I'm not surprised.  The human brain works in interesting ways.  Being on school grounds, and stepping into a class for the first time in a semester/year, meeting new people...  I felt instantly transported to a time in my life when my stuttering made me much less secure of myself.  A time in my life when I got through each day just fighting and dealing with constant discomfort around people.. not because of the people themselves, but because of the potential need to communicate with them spontaneously and without and preparation.. or with no time or place to "run"... and still succeed in hiding stuttering and appearing fluent to people.  It's a stupid, stupid way to live.  I had to fight that old feeling invading me.  I will forever carry those ingrained feelings.  They're a part of me.  But I've worked hard to subdue a lot of those feelings, and I'm quite aware that I continue work each day to push down on them, keeping them at bay.  And I've found a healthy, and even useful, place for them under my belt.  Nowadays, I mostly push gently, but sometimes I gotta bring in the big guns.  But overall, I'm not that person I was 10 years ago in college the first time.  Nor do I ever want to be again.  Ever.  So I need to focus on being who I have been the last few years, and focus on all the hard work I've done.  I know that I have to actively not let myself sink back to my old ways.  Things don't just magically happen in life.  Not with something like this, anyway.  After I became aware of this invading feeling, in the middle of my psychology class, I put one voluntary stutter in the next time I answered a question.  I know that this tool will again be my key.  

And on to normal people stuff... My teachers are ok.  They don't seem great, but don't seem bad either. I'm only taking two classes, and neither seem that hard.  Everyone's afraid of Anatomy & Physiology, because of all the memorization of the big words.  But big words don't seem to bother my mind, I'm good at memorizing, and I love the subject matter.  So, bring it.  Psychology lecture is 2 hr- 45 min (once a week).  Class was tough to sit through just because of the slow pace.  From my engineering coursework, I'm used to very fast paced lectures.  And I prefer it- because my mind can keep up, it works better when it's pushed, and the pace keeps me awake.  

Irene

I expected challenges and setbacks in my new life path.  However, I didn't expect the first one to be a potential "storm of the century" hurricane.  As if all these recent changes haven't been rushed and stressful enough, I had to move my flight up a day to get to NY before the hurricane so that I can ensure making it to my first day of school... while packing a moving truck, getting rid of extra furniture, and having to get my car out to a friend's an hour and a half away.  It was a crazy rush, but my friends did a lot of the packing while I did coordinating, and more friends went out of their way to help me with the furniture and car to enable me to get on the flight out that night.  But Brian-cat and I made it.  I couldn't sleep on the plane, as I was worrying about the things in CA which were not wrapped up yet and dumped on my friends, and also about if Brian-cat had to pee or poop.  And eventually he did poop.  Luckily it was only a little and toward the end of the flight.  Good thing for extra napkins and barf bags.  But.. things in CA got wrapped up much better, thanks to my amazing friends.  I feel very blessed and very thankful to have great friends and family in many places.

So now it's time to wait for Irene.  My father's place is a couple hours inland, so it shouldn't be as bad.  However, this area is expected to get more rain than directly in NYC.  We're not too hyped about it, but do have plenty of water and other drinks.  I've never seen this much precaution for a natural disaster in NY.. 

Blah(?)

Today was my last official day at work.  I won't say day "of" work, because I was only there a few hours. But I was working hard to wrap things up the best I could.  I probably walked out of that building for the last time ever.  I'm not sure how I feel.. I guess I don't feel much right now.  Maybe it's because it's all happening so quickly, or because I'm already mentally exhausted from stressing about all the changes as much as I have been, or maybe my mind is just in protective mode and is auto-piloting on keeping the emotions on a [somewhat] even keel.  I know the career change will bring me much more happiness long term and it's what I have to do.  The moving is tough.  But I suppose I should try to enjoy the "freedom" that this step symbolizes.  I'm about to enter a very interesting phase.. mooching off my family and going to school, but with the gift of a much wiser perspective.

Gratitude

Well, to follow up, yes- voluntary stuttering has somehow calmed down my nervous system once again.  Speech tension is back down to a "normal", workable level.  Amazing.  Going directly after something you fear (and/or annoys the hell out of you?) is the only way to get control over it.  

And so, back to general thoughts, today I said my little "farewell speech" to many of my coworkers in my division and some others within the headquarters building.  I also sent out an email to those in field locations.  Again, lots of positive feedback.  Everyone "gets it" and says I have some guts.  I have to say, I am enjoying the admiration and encouragement, especially since this is hard.  I work with some good people, and I'm so thankful for what they've taught me.  I want to take that with me always.  It's bittersweet.  However, it makes you think... let's not wait until someone leaves to say how we feel about them.  Not that everyone does that, but, just sayin'..

Fight

My post today is basically for my stuttering friends- who will understand- and of course for anyone else who may be curious.

Two days ago, for unknown reasons (as they usually are), I woke up on the wrong side of the "stuttering bed".  Since then it's been much more difficult to just.. speak.. than normal.  You know what I'm talking about.  I've gained enough tools to keep the tension light with my speech in general, and I've taught my body to play nice with me for the most part.  But for whatever reason, some days my body decides to basically give me the finger and hang me out to dry.  A fair amount of my speaking lately has been via the phone, which really doesn't help.  It's days like these that make me lean toward doubting myself, doubting that I'd be able to communicate to patients well and be a good liaison between them and their doctors.  But I can't let these days get to me.  I'm done with that. I know I'll be good.  I'll fight for my patients and I'll fight for me.  I'm ready.  I have met other stuttering doctors and they say it doesn't affect treatment (just may annoy some people, which I've gotten over).  At this point in my life I'm pretty darn ok with stuttering when I'm able to keep it light and forward-moving.  But those "mind-body gap days" are bitches.  All this stress I've been talking about regarding turning my life upside down and changing careers is the easy part.  ;-)  

SO- tomorrow it's on with the voluntary stuttering.  That's the only thing that's been able to consistently get me out of these funks.  Let's see!  

Step One

I'm officially registered in the two classes I need this Fall semester at Orange County Community College in Middletown, NY.  

Phew!!!  I won't be set back a year- I can start the steps to go after my passion NOW instead of later- and I know I'm IN.  (At least for this first step).  It's such a huge relief.  I'm ballsy enough to make huge dents in my lifelong-held fears of stuttering, mentally say "screw off" to the remainder of those fears, take risk, and make a big life change.  But uncertainty and lack of a plan (for something this big, anyway) physically wrecks my nerves.  I'm happy to move, but also sad.  It's still difficult for various reasons, but having a set plan now makes me feel a lot better.  Now I can just push  my head down and proceed through steps to move forward.  And I know in a little while I can step back for a moment and enjoy the good parts.

Push

"Don't second guess."  "Run with it."  "Don't look back."  I was concerned about people feeling a bit 'hurt' that a friend is leaving; but these are things some of my amazing friends are telling me.

My choice is very hard, but I feel its best.  Right now all I can do is put my head down and push through the hard parts.

Steps

I got my childhood immunization record from my mother in the mail.  Earlier this week, I had went ahead and had gotten the bloodwork done because I wasn't sure if the records were official enough for the community college by dad, and time is of essence.  But I faxed the records and called them to confirm that it satisfies what they need.  They said it does.  Phew!  So, now I can officially register.  Today, I over-nighted my registration form and payment.  There are still what I think is a decent amount of seats left the classes I want, and they haven't filled any seats since I had first looked a week ago, so I'm fairly certain that I can start counting my chickens- and expecting them to hatch.  But I still won't put in my official notices to my landlord and work or withdraw from the waiting list at Pasadena City College until I get official confirmation that I'm registered.  (I think that's best.)  I should start making concrete plans for the actual move though...  

My little "east coast CA family" of friends from college treated me to "The Melting Pot" last night, which was greatly appreciated.  That place is ssoo good.  I will NOT be eating out very much at all for about the next two years.

A Little Validation

The stress that has been building in my psyche for the last few weeks is physically present in my body.  Sharing apple cobbler with co-workers at lunch today was a mistake, as that physical manifestation [of stress] tends to primarily make home within my GI tract.  Yet, today I've gotten some mental relief in the form of a little validation.  I assumed that most people would think I'm crazy to be making the changes I am.  (Or that they would at least support/confirm an already present suspicion of craziness, being that I jump out of planes voluntarily and regularly.)  But, I've gotten so many incredibly supportive comments and messages in response to this blog.  I only told people at my job about the career change because going back to school explains the rushed timing of my leaving.  I didn't want the fact that our work is not my passion to take anything away from what we do in our unit, and how important I think it is.  But, now the word is out at work not only of my leaving, but my changing careers.  And I'm getting a lot of respect and admiration from people when I explain why I'm doing what I'm doing.  I didn't quite expect this reaction from people.  It's.. pretty cool.  I'm obviously not making the changes I am for anyone but myself.  But I must admit that the fact that people see it as admirable and gutsy is somewhat calming for me mentally.  It's also solicited some damn complimentary comments from people about me, my personality, and working with me.  Specifics of these comments just validates why I think I'll be a great nurse.

The Beginning

Many people have noted, “If I knew then what I know now”.  Well, that’s impossible.  Even listening to the advice of those older, it’s difficult to make life decisions based on something you don’t feel.  But what if you come to a point where you do know now what you wish you knew then?  Would it change your actions?  Would you face and accept opportunities to change, despite how difficult change might be?

Sometimes a well-thought out plan doesn’t quite cut it.  Well, if you’re compromising with yourself, that is.  I’ve worked for 7 years as a civil engineer for one of the largest counties in the United States.  I’ve pursued my professional engineering license as soon as I was able.  I passed three tests over the span of two days to do so, which a low percentage of people are able to do.  (It was one of the most stressful things I’ve done).  I’ve gotten great experience, and have worked with some absolutely amazing people, who I respect dearly and admire with all my heart.  I’ve worked to get myself in to a unit that is working toward goals I agree with, making great changes, and where I’ve gained great technical experience.  I can keep the engineering license by paying my fees every other year, but basically.. I’m going to give this great career up.

I've never been lying with myself.  I got into the field of work I did as a compromise with myself.  I’m a math and science person.  Transportation and travel has always been a major part of my life.  As a child, my parents instilled in me the importance of supporting one’s self and not depending on anyone.  So, civil engineering was sensible choice.  And I enjoy it.  However, it was a compromise because it wasn’t my passion.. while I’ve always known what my passion was.  For all my life, I have been absolutely fascinated by the human body, and medicine.  I am a firm believer in the value of health above all else.  All is right in the world when I am making a difference in people’s lives.  My mother was a nurse, and I would read her New England Journal of Medicine and  Merck Manual as a child… of course, picking up what I could the best I can.   I’ve always known I wanted to get into the healthcare and medical field.   But I didn’t.  I also stutter.  It’s generally mild, and many people don’t even notice.  Yet, certain sounds were nearly impossible for me to handle, and I would “word-exchange” around them, hiding my challenge.  But word-exchanging to use a sound that’s easier is not possible in medicine.  I didn’t have a handle on my stuttering then, nor could I imagine to.  I certainly wouldn’t risk anyone’s health because of my own issues.  So, I decided it was best, and easiest, to go into a field that wasn’t quite as “critical”.  I was interested in civil engineering, and, as previously noted, felt it was a sensible choice.  And it’s served me very well.  While working though, I would read about psychology and some medical topics just for kicks, in my spare time.

For the last six years or so, I’ve been working on my speech after going back into therapy.  I’ve made a lot of progress, and can handle my stuttering in ways I never dreamed possible.  It’s still hard, and will always be, but I am confident in my ability to handle my challenge.  I know I can go into healthcare/medicine.  Being in the hospital many times with my father being sick, I’ve watched what nurses do.  It’s hard work, but I couldn’t help but think how well I could do it, and couldn’t help but be jealous because these girls had the job I wanted.

This brings me back to my original thought.  What if you come to a point where you do know now what you wish you knew then?  And you were 28 and had no bills or children, not even a boyfriend.  And what if you had the support of an amazing family to help with finances and with living accommodations, and the emotional support of life long (or nearly so) friends and family?  Going back to school for nursing will take about a couple years... a small investment in the rest of your life, especially with support.  I asked myself: “how could I NOT take this chance to pursue my passion?”  It hit me.   

So, here I am.  I've recently decided on changing my career, going back to school to be a registered nurse.  I may have a mind to work up to Nurse Practitioner one day, and be able to diagnose and to prescribe medicine.  When thinking about being a nurse lately, I’ve been happier than I have been in a long time.  It may seem like a rash decision to some, but it's been in my mind my whole life.  And here I am moving back to New York to be with my family, who I miss very much, and to be in the part of the country I have to admit is a part of my identity.. and go back to enduring horribly cold winters. 

Well.. the complication is leaving some amazing friends, who are practically family, in California.  I will miss Perris Valley Skydiving very much.  Yet, I have every intention to visit as often as I can, just as I visit NY.  And I’m sure I will have more skydiving family waiting for me in NY, as that’s how skydiving is.  It seems that traveling will always be a part of my life. The other complication is leaving a couple of the best bosses one can ask for.  Following through with my decision to move and change my career feels right; but has been unbelievably stressful.  I have so much to lose.  For more reasons than I will say publically, this is extremely difficult for me.  But I feel that I have more to gain than to lose.  That is, again, incredibly stressful.  But is also a great problem to have.

To stay on track to finish pre-requisite classes needed to get into the nursing program in a year, I must take Anatomy and Physiology I this Fall semester, or I will be set back a year.  I wanted to take this, and one more class, this Fall semester while continuing to work at my present job.  Then I would move at the end of the year.  But, because of the California budget crisis, and also the fact that I had my epiphany- and therefore registering for classes- a bit late, I can't get into Anatomy and Physiology in the LA area.  They’re all full.  I’m on a waiting list, but am not too keen on gambling a year of my life on “maybe”.  There are still a decent amount of open seats in classes at the community college near my father in NY.  I’m working on paper work for proof of vaccines, and then I can officially register.  I’m really hoping they don’t fill up within the next week or so.  So, it’s pretty certain that I will be moving to NY this month.  It's all a little quicker than I wanted, but I’m doing what I have to do.  And it’s more stressful that I’d imagined.  Telling my bosses today was extremely difficult.  Our unit is pretty specialized and small and I have experience they value; and so I know that my leaving will leave a large hole.  I have so much respect for them, and so it personally hurt to “let them down” in a way.  But they are understanding and supportive, which definitely helps.  Of course they are, otherwise I wouldn’t have the respect for them that I do. 

Well, I have a lot of work to do.  I will be very stressed for the next month, but then there should be some calm..  This little blog right now serves as a way to give those I care about a taste of what’s on my mind.  I may continue to blog more during the big life change..