Hurricane Irene.. blah blah.. Many homes lost power, some still don't have it. But dad's place has been fine, minus some minor leaking in the basement and a couple tree branches. We're housing some food for his girlfriend (who doesn't have power) in the extra fridge in the basement. The train from dad's to NYC was suspended, now it looks like it's running, but with delays. So, hopefully soon it will be back to normal, as I'll be using it a lot in the near future.
So, today was my first day of school. [Picture of where I took my break between classes, above.] Today I have some thoughts that may seem weirdly deep, except to my stuttering friends.
It felt very odd to be a student again. I felt something I didn't really expect to feel, but thinking about it, I'm not surprised. The human brain works in interesting ways. Being on school grounds, and stepping into a class for the first time in a semester/year, meeting new people... I felt instantly transported to a time in my life when my stuttering made me much less secure of myself. A time in my life when I got through each day just fighting and dealing with constant discomfort around people.. not because of the people themselves, but because of the potential need to communicate with them spontaneously and without and preparation.. or with no time or place to "run"... and still succeed in hiding stuttering and appearing fluent to people. It's a stupid, stupid way to live. I had to fight that old feeling invading me. I will forever carry those ingrained feelings. They're a part of me. But I've worked hard to subdue a lot of those feelings, and I'm quite aware that I continue work each day to push down on them, keeping them at bay. And I've found a healthy, and even useful, place for them under my belt. Nowadays, I mostly push gently, but sometimes I gotta bring in the big guns. But overall, I'm not that person I was 10 years ago in college the first time. Nor do I ever want to be again. Ever. So I need to focus on being who I have been the last few years, and focus on all the hard work I've done. I know that I have to actively not let myself sink back to my old ways. Things don't just magically happen in life. Not with something like this, anyway. After I became aware of this invading feeling, in the middle of my psychology class, I put one voluntary stutter in the next time I answered a question. I know that this tool will again be my key.
And on to normal people stuff... My teachers are ok. They don't seem great, but don't seem bad either. I'm only taking two classes, and neither seem that hard. Everyone's afraid of Anatomy & Physiology, because of all the memorization of the big words. But big words don't seem to bother my mind, I'm good at memorizing, and I love the subject matter. So, bring it. Psychology lecture is 2 hr- 45 min (once a week). Class was tough to sit through just because of the slow pace. From my engineering coursework, I'm used to very fast paced lectures. And I prefer it- because my mind can keep up, it works better when it's pushed, and the pace keeps me awake.
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