First Day of School

Hurricane Irene.. blah blah..  Many homes lost power, some still don't have it.  But dad's place has been fine, minus some minor leaking in the basement and a couple tree branches.  We're housing some food for his girlfriend (who doesn't have power) in the extra fridge in the basement. The train from dad's to NYC was suspended, now it looks like it's running, but with delays. So, hopefully soon it will be back to normal, as I'll be using it a lot in the near future.

So, today was my first day of school.  [Picture of where I took my break between classes, above.]  Today I have some thoughts that may seem weirdly deep, except to my stuttering friends.

It felt very odd to be a student again.  I felt something I didn't really expect to feel, but thinking about it, I'm not surprised.  The human brain works in interesting ways.  Being on school grounds, and stepping into a class for the first time in a semester/year, meeting new people...  I felt instantly transported to a time in my life when my stuttering made me much less secure of myself.  A time in my life when I got through each day just fighting and dealing with constant discomfort around people.. not because of the people themselves, but because of the potential need to communicate with them spontaneously and without and preparation.. or with no time or place to "run"... and still succeed in hiding stuttering and appearing fluent to people.  It's a stupid, stupid way to live.  I had to fight that old feeling invading me.  I will forever carry those ingrained feelings.  They're a part of me.  But I've worked hard to subdue a lot of those feelings, and I'm quite aware that I continue work each day to push down on them, keeping them at bay.  And I've found a healthy, and even useful, place for them under my belt.  Nowadays, I mostly push gently, but sometimes I gotta bring in the big guns.  But overall, I'm not that person I was 10 years ago in college the first time.  Nor do I ever want to be again.  Ever.  So I need to focus on being who I have been the last few years, and focus on all the hard work I've done.  I know that I have to actively not let myself sink back to my old ways.  Things don't just magically happen in life.  Not with something like this, anyway.  After I became aware of this invading feeling, in the middle of my psychology class, I put one voluntary stutter in the next time I answered a question.  I know that this tool will again be my key.  

And on to normal people stuff... My teachers are ok.  They don't seem great, but don't seem bad either. I'm only taking two classes, and neither seem that hard.  Everyone's afraid of Anatomy & Physiology, because of all the memorization of the big words.  But big words don't seem to bother my mind, I'm good at memorizing, and I love the subject matter.  So, bring it.  Psychology lecture is 2 hr- 45 min (once a week).  Class was tough to sit through just because of the slow pace.  From my engineering coursework, I'm used to very fast paced lectures.  And I prefer it- because my mind can keep up, it works better when it's pushed, and the pace keeps me awake.  

Irene

I expected challenges and setbacks in my new life path.  However, I didn't expect the first one to be a potential "storm of the century" hurricane.  As if all these recent changes haven't been rushed and stressful enough, I had to move my flight up a day to get to NY before the hurricane so that I can ensure making it to my first day of school... while packing a moving truck, getting rid of extra furniture, and having to get my car out to a friend's an hour and a half away.  It was a crazy rush, but my friends did a lot of the packing while I did coordinating, and more friends went out of their way to help me with the furniture and car to enable me to get on the flight out that night.  But Brian-cat and I made it.  I couldn't sleep on the plane, as I was worrying about the things in CA which were not wrapped up yet and dumped on my friends, and also about if Brian-cat had to pee or poop.  And eventually he did poop.  Luckily it was only a little and toward the end of the flight.  Good thing for extra napkins and barf bags.  But.. things in CA got wrapped up much better, thanks to my amazing friends.  I feel very blessed and very thankful to have great friends and family in many places.

So now it's time to wait for Irene.  My father's place is a couple hours inland, so it shouldn't be as bad.  However, this area is expected to get more rain than directly in NYC.  We're not too hyped about it, but do have plenty of water and other drinks.  I've never seen this much precaution for a natural disaster in NY.. 

Blah(?)

Today was my last official day at work.  I won't say day "of" work, because I was only there a few hours. But I was working hard to wrap things up the best I could.  I probably walked out of that building for the last time ever.  I'm not sure how I feel.. I guess I don't feel much right now.  Maybe it's because it's all happening so quickly, or because I'm already mentally exhausted from stressing about all the changes as much as I have been, or maybe my mind is just in protective mode and is auto-piloting on keeping the emotions on a [somewhat] even keel.  I know the career change will bring me much more happiness long term and it's what I have to do.  The moving is tough.  But I suppose I should try to enjoy the "freedom" that this step symbolizes.  I'm about to enter a very interesting phase.. mooching off my family and going to school, but with the gift of a much wiser perspective.

Gratitude

Well, to follow up, yes- voluntary stuttering has somehow calmed down my nervous system once again.  Speech tension is back down to a "normal", workable level.  Amazing.  Going directly after something you fear (and/or annoys the hell out of you?) is the only way to get control over it.  

And so, back to general thoughts, today I said my little "farewell speech" to many of my coworkers in my division and some others within the headquarters building.  I also sent out an email to those in field locations.  Again, lots of positive feedback.  Everyone "gets it" and says I have some guts.  I have to say, I am enjoying the admiration and encouragement, especially since this is hard.  I work with some good people, and I'm so thankful for what they've taught me.  I want to take that with me always.  It's bittersweet.  However, it makes you think... let's not wait until someone leaves to say how we feel about them.  Not that everyone does that, but, just sayin'..

Fight

My post today is basically for my stuttering friends- who will understand- and of course for anyone else who may be curious.

Two days ago, for unknown reasons (as they usually are), I woke up on the wrong side of the "stuttering bed".  Since then it's been much more difficult to just.. speak.. than normal.  You know what I'm talking about.  I've gained enough tools to keep the tension light with my speech in general, and I've taught my body to play nice with me for the most part.  But for whatever reason, some days my body decides to basically give me the finger and hang me out to dry.  A fair amount of my speaking lately has been via the phone, which really doesn't help.  It's days like these that make me lean toward doubting myself, doubting that I'd be able to communicate to patients well and be a good liaison between them and their doctors.  But I can't let these days get to me.  I'm done with that. I know I'll be good.  I'll fight for my patients and I'll fight for me.  I'm ready.  I have met other stuttering doctors and they say it doesn't affect treatment (just may annoy some people, which I've gotten over).  At this point in my life I'm pretty darn ok with stuttering when I'm able to keep it light and forward-moving.  But those "mind-body gap days" are bitches.  All this stress I've been talking about regarding turning my life upside down and changing careers is the easy part.  ;-)  

SO- tomorrow it's on with the voluntary stuttering.  That's the only thing that's been able to consistently get me out of these funks.  Let's see!  

Step One

I'm officially registered in the two classes I need this Fall semester at Orange County Community College in Middletown, NY.  

Phew!!!  I won't be set back a year- I can start the steps to go after my passion NOW instead of later- and I know I'm IN.  (At least for this first step).  It's such a huge relief.  I'm ballsy enough to make huge dents in my lifelong-held fears of stuttering, mentally say "screw off" to the remainder of those fears, take risk, and make a big life change.  But uncertainty and lack of a plan (for something this big, anyway) physically wrecks my nerves.  I'm happy to move, but also sad.  It's still difficult for various reasons, but having a set plan now makes me feel a lot better.  Now I can just push  my head down and proceed through steps to move forward.  And I know in a little while I can step back for a moment and enjoy the good parts.

Push

"Don't second guess."  "Run with it."  "Don't look back."  I was concerned about people feeling a bit 'hurt' that a friend is leaving; but these are things some of my amazing friends are telling me.

My choice is very hard, but I feel its best.  Right now all I can do is put my head down and push through the hard parts.

Steps

I got my childhood immunization record from my mother in the mail.  Earlier this week, I had went ahead and had gotten the bloodwork done because I wasn't sure if the records were official enough for the community college by dad, and time is of essence.  But I faxed the records and called them to confirm that it satisfies what they need.  They said it does.  Phew!  So, now I can officially register.  Today, I over-nighted my registration form and payment.  There are still what I think is a decent amount of seats left the classes I want, and they haven't filled any seats since I had first looked a week ago, so I'm fairly certain that I can start counting my chickens- and expecting them to hatch.  But I still won't put in my official notices to my landlord and work or withdraw from the waiting list at Pasadena City College until I get official confirmation that I'm registered.  (I think that's best.)  I should start making concrete plans for the actual move though...  

My little "east coast CA family" of friends from college treated me to "The Melting Pot" last night, which was greatly appreciated.  That place is ssoo good.  I will NOT be eating out very much at all for about the next two years.

A Little Validation

The stress that has been building in my psyche for the last few weeks is physically present in my body.  Sharing apple cobbler with co-workers at lunch today was a mistake, as that physical manifestation [of stress] tends to primarily make home within my GI tract.  Yet, today I've gotten some mental relief in the form of a little validation.  I assumed that most people would think I'm crazy to be making the changes I am.  (Or that they would at least support/confirm an already present suspicion of craziness, being that I jump out of planes voluntarily and regularly.)  But, I've gotten so many incredibly supportive comments and messages in response to this blog.  I only told people at my job about the career change because going back to school explains the rushed timing of my leaving.  I didn't want the fact that our work is not my passion to take anything away from what we do in our unit, and how important I think it is.  But, now the word is out at work not only of my leaving, but my changing careers.  And I'm getting a lot of respect and admiration from people when I explain why I'm doing what I'm doing.  I didn't quite expect this reaction from people.  It's.. pretty cool.  I'm obviously not making the changes I am for anyone but myself.  But I must admit that the fact that people see it as admirable and gutsy is somewhat calming for me mentally.  It's also solicited some damn complimentary comments from people about me, my personality, and working with me.  Specifics of these comments just validates why I think I'll be a great nurse.

The Beginning

Many people have noted, “If I knew then what I know now”.  Well, that’s impossible.  Even listening to the advice of those older, it’s difficult to make life decisions based on something you don’t feel.  But what if you come to a point where you do know now what you wish you knew then?  Would it change your actions?  Would you face and accept opportunities to change, despite how difficult change might be?

Sometimes a well-thought out plan doesn’t quite cut it.  Well, if you’re compromising with yourself, that is.  I’ve worked for 7 years as a civil engineer for one of the largest counties in the United States.  I’ve pursued my professional engineering license as soon as I was able.  I passed three tests over the span of two days to do so, which a low percentage of people are able to do.  (It was one of the most stressful things I’ve done).  I’ve gotten great experience, and have worked with some absolutely amazing people, who I respect dearly and admire with all my heart.  I’ve worked to get myself in to a unit that is working toward goals I agree with, making great changes, and where I’ve gained great technical experience.  I can keep the engineering license by paying my fees every other year, but basically.. I’m going to give this great career up.

I've never been lying with myself.  I got into the field of work I did as a compromise with myself.  I’m a math and science person.  Transportation and travel has always been a major part of my life.  As a child, my parents instilled in me the importance of supporting one’s self and not depending on anyone.  So, civil engineering was sensible choice.  And I enjoy it.  However, it was a compromise because it wasn’t my passion.. while I’ve always known what my passion was.  For all my life, I have been absolutely fascinated by the human body, and medicine.  I am a firm believer in the value of health above all else.  All is right in the world when I am making a difference in people’s lives.  My mother was a nurse, and I would read her New England Journal of Medicine and  Merck Manual as a child… of course, picking up what I could the best I can.   I’ve always known I wanted to get into the healthcare and medical field.   But I didn’t.  I also stutter.  It’s generally mild, and many people don’t even notice.  Yet, certain sounds were nearly impossible for me to handle, and I would “word-exchange” around them, hiding my challenge.  But word-exchanging to use a sound that’s easier is not possible in medicine.  I didn’t have a handle on my stuttering then, nor could I imagine to.  I certainly wouldn’t risk anyone’s health because of my own issues.  So, I decided it was best, and easiest, to go into a field that wasn’t quite as “critical”.  I was interested in civil engineering, and, as previously noted, felt it was a sensible choice.  And it’s served me very well.  While working though, I would read about psychology and some medical topics just for kicks, in my spare time.

For the last six years or so, I’ve been working on my speech after going back into therapy.  I’ve made a lot of progress, and can handle my stuttering in ways I never dreamed possible.  It’s still hard, and will always be, but I am confident in my ability to handle my challenge.  I know I can go into healthcare/medicine.  Being in the hospital many times with my father being sick, I’ve watched what nurses do.  It’s hard work, but I couldn’t help but think how well I could do it, and couldn’t help but be jealous because these girls had the job I wanted.

This brings me back to my original thought.  What if you come to a point where you do know now what you wish you knew then?  And you were 28 and had no bills or children, not even a boyfriend.  And what if you had the support of an amazing family to help with finances and with living accommodations, and the emotional support of life long (or nearly so) friends and family?  Going back to school for nursing will take about a couple years... a small investment in the rest of your life, especially with support.  I asked myself: “how could I NOT take this chance to pursue my passion?”  It hit me.   

So, here I am.  I've recently decided on changing my career, going back to school to be a registered nurse.  I may have a mind to work up to Nurse Practitioner one day, and be able to diagnose and to prescribe medicine.  When thinking about being a nurse lately, I’ve been happier than I have been in a long time.  It may seem like a rash decision to some, but it's been in my mind my whole life.  And here I am moving back to New York to be with my family, who I miss very much, and to be in the part of the country I have to admit is a part of my identity.. and go back to enduring horribly cold winters. 

Well.. the complication is leaving some amazing friends, who are practically family, in California.  I will miss Perris Valley Skydiving very much.  Yet, I have every intention to visit as often as I can, just as I visit NY.  And I’m sure I will have more skydiving family waiting for me in NY, as that’s how skydiving is.  It seems that traveling will always be a part of my life. The other complication is leaving a couple of the best bosses one can ask for.  Following through with my decision to move and change my career feels right; but has been unbelievably stressful.  I have so much to lose.  For more reasons than I will say publically, this is extremely difficult for me.  But I feel that I have more to gain than to lose.  That is, again, incredibly stressful.  But is also a great problem to have.

To stay on track to finish pre-requisite classes needed to get into the nursing program in a year, I must take Anatomy and Physiology I this Fall semester, or I will be set back a year.  I wanted to take this, and one more class, this Fall semester while continuing to work at my present job.  Then I would move at the end of the year.  But, because of the California budget crisis, and also the fact that I had my epiphany- and therefore registering for classes- a bit late, I can't get into Anatomy and Physiology in the LA area.  They’re all full.  I’m on a waiting list, but am not too keen on gambling a year of my life on “maybe”.  There are still a decent amount of open seats in classes at the community college near my father in NY.  I’m working on paper work for proof of vaccines, and then I can officially register.  I’m really hoping they don’t fill up within the next week or so.  So, it’s pretty certain that I will be moving to NY this month.  It's all a little quicker than I wanted, but I’m doing what I have to do.  And it’s more stressful that I’d imagined.  Telling my bosses today was extremely difficult.  Our unit is pretty specialized and small and I have experience they value; and so I know that my leaving will leave a large hole.  I have so much respect for them, and so it personally hurt to “let them down” in a way.  But they are understanding and supportive, which definitely helps.  Of course they are, otherwise I wouldn’t have the respect for them that I do. 

Well, I have a lot of work to do.  I will be very stressed for the next month, but then there should be some calm..  This little blog right now serves as a way to give those I care about a taste of what’s on my mind.  I may continue to blog more during the big life change..