Odds

And on to other news...

What are the odds that an auto transporter would be in an accident and your car would get squashed on the bottom row??  I bet they're slim.  And with my luck, it's not a total surprise that I'm in that small percentage.  But it's still a major "kick in the balls".  I'm not sure if there is some ulterior meaning I'm supposed to see/find in this.

My newest goal is to work with the insurance to clean up this mess the best I can.  

Adirondacks

I was lucky enough to spend this weekend at a great friend's beautiful house on Schroon Lake in the Adirondacks of northeastern NY state.  We had a very nice, relaxing time in nature... minus the five mosquito bites in two days. We made smores on the outdoor fire, did some kayaking, jet skiing, wine drinking, and general lounging around.  

Schroon Lake

Schroon Lake

Foliage

Sunset from the lake house deck

Feelings. California. Other.

I won't say my emotions are on a roller coaster.  They're absolutely not.  They're very constant.  The things is- they span a quite significant portion of the emotional spectrum, about different and specific things.  That's as far as I'll go for the deep stuff.  

In other news, I spent this weekend in Southern California.  When not jumping from them, I find planes very conducive to sleeping and studying.  Perfect!  I was treated to a great dinner and drinks by my former bosses, and had a very nice time.  I continue to be quite touched by them.  Then I had a fun weekend hanging with my skydiving friends and getting in a few jumps.  I borrowed gear from various people, as some of mine is still in transit, and I also didn't want to lug around and worry about both my rig and the cat on the plane one the way back.  Speaking of which, I was dreading the plane ride back with my Stewie-cat.  But she was a friggin rock star!  She did great.. couldn't have asked for a better cat.  She usually is a horrible bitch in the car, but she was great on the plane.  She even stayed totally quiet on the car ride up to my father's. I don't know what got into her.  She's adjusting very well to dad's house.  She's spent some time here before, but that was over 7 years ago.  

We got the rest of the pictures from my cousin's wedding.  Below is one of my favorites, during my maid of honor speech to the bride.  I'm glad I can crack myself up.

I'd also like to share a quote a friend posted recently.  I agree with it.  It's "the American Way", which I'm afraid seems to be dying out.  Hopefully my current opportunity will be more of a tangible manifestation in a few years.. that's the idea ;-)

Wedding

Had a crazy and amazing time at my cousin Kerry's wedding this Saturday.  It felt so great to be able to give a toast as Maid of Honor at the reception and say how proud I am of her and her husband in front of both of our families.  I had a blast seeing so much family at once and celebrating a great event.  Below are some pictures.  They are beautiful, but the blog GREATLY reduces the quality...

Photos by Jenny Harper: www.jharps.com

Work

I had a crazy weekend: unloaded the moving truck, but still need to unpack.  I did a shitload of driving and had a nice bachelorette party with my cousin in Atlantic City.  I had a nice Labor Day with good friends.  This weekend is my cousin's wedding.  There will be lots of family, which I'm really looking forward to.  And lots of craziness I'm sure.  Then I will be free of maid of honor "duties".  Haha. 

Not working right now is making me feel weird.. kinda shitty actually.  I do have a couple more nice paychecks coming in from my old job, but I know they won't be continuing.  It's an unsettling feeling.  Adjusting to the new financial situation will be tough too, but feel that it's doable, and I know that it's temporary.  Now is a time that I feel good I'm keeping this blog, because it's forcing me to remember why I'm getting myself into this less than ideal situation..  keeping me accountable for my own "greater good".

My goal right now is getting certifiied nurses aid (CNA) training and a part time job.  My thought is that once the training is done and I move down to Long Beach, NY at the end of the year- where I intend to be for the rest of my eduation- I can find part time work as a CNA.  I think I would be able to get flexible hours, will get some great experience, would get me used to working within nursing, and would also be great for my resume.  I have looked into a few options and it seems that it may be a little difficult to find CNA training that fits my school schedule.  I'm still looking into options.  I got a list of places that offer the training from the career center at school, but many of the places said they do not offer the training when I called.  Ugh.  But either way, once that is set up (or not), I should find a part time job for this semester.  I'm hoping to work at a Starbucks.  If I can fit 20 hours into my schedule, then I can also get some health and dental benefits.  It would also get me a lot of good practice with my speech.  It's a little masochistic, but I have to be to live well.  Again, the only way to successfully work with a fear is to face it head on.

First Day of School

Hurricane Irene.. blah blah..  Many homes lost power, some still don't have it.  But dad's place has been fine, minus some minor leaking in the basement and a couple tree branches.  We're housing some food for his girlfriend (who doesn't have power) in the extra fridge in the basement. The train from dad's to NYC was suspended, now it looks like it's running, but with delays. So, hopefully soon it will be back to normal, as I'll be using it a lot in the near future.

So, today was my first day of school.  [Picture of where I took my break between classes, above.]  Today I have some thoughts that may seem weirdly deep, except to my stuttering friends.

It felt very odd to be a student again.  I felt something I didn't really expect to feel, but thinking about it, I'm not surprised.  The human brain works in interesting ways.  Being on school grounds, and stepping into a class for the first time in a semester/year, meeting new people...  I felt instantly transported to a time in my life when my stuttering made me much less secure of myself.  A time in my life when I got through each day just fighting and dealing with constant discomfort around people.. not because of the people themselves, but because of the potential need to communicate with them spontaneously and without and preparation.. or with no time or place to "run"... and still succeed in hiding stuttering and appearing fluent to people.  It's a stupid, stupid way to live.  I had to fight that old feeling invading me.  I will forever carry those ingrained feelings.  They're a part of me.  But I've worked hard to subdue a lot of those feelings, and I'm quite aware that I continue work each day to push down on them, keeping them at bay.  And I've found a healthy, and even useful, place for them under my belt.  Nowadays, I mostly push gently, but sometimes I gotta bring in the big guns.  But overall, I'm not that person I was 10 years ago in college the first time.  Nor do I ever want to be again.  Ever.  So I need to focus on being who I have been the last few years, and focus on all the hard work I've done.  I know that I have to actively not let myself sink back to my old ways.  Things don't just magically happen in life.  Not with something like this, anyway.  After I became aware of this invading feeling, in the middle of my psychology class, I put one voluntary stutter in the next time I answered a question.  I know that this tool will again be my key.  

And on to normal people stuff... My teachers are ok.  They don't seem great, but don't seem bad either. I'm only taking two classes, and neither seem that hard.  Everyone's afraid of Anatomy & Physiology, because of all the memorization of the big words.  But big words don't seem to bother my mind, I'm good at memorizing, and I love the subject matter.  So, bring it.  Psychology lecture is 2 hr- 45 min (once a week).  Class was tough to sit through just because of the slow pace.  From my engineering coursework, I'm used to very fast paced lectures.  And I prefer it- because my mind can keep up, it works better when it's pushed, and the pace keeps me awake.  

Irene

I expected challenges and setbacks in my new life path.  However, I didn't expect the first one to be a potential "storm of the century" hurricane.  As if all these recent changes haven't been rushed and stressful enough, I had to move my flight up a day to get to NY before the hurricane so that I can ensure making it to my first day of school... while packing a moving truck, getting rid of extra furniture, and having to get my car out to a friend's an hour and a half away.  It was a crazy rush, but my friends did a lot of the packing while I did coordinating, and more friends went out of their way to help me with the furniture and car to enable me to get on the flight out that night.  But Brian-cat and I made it.  I couldn't sleep on the plane, as I was worrying about the things in CA which were not wrapped up yet and dumped on my friends, and also about if Brian-cat had to pee or poop.  And eventually he did poop.  Luckily it was only a little and toward the end of the flight.  Good thing for extra napkins and barf bags.  But.. things in CA got wrapped up much better, thanks to my amazing friends.  I feel very blessed and very thankful to have great friends and family in many places.

So now it's time to wait for Irene.  My father's place is a couple hours inland, so it shouldn't be as bad.  However, this area is expected to get more rain than directly in NYC.  We're not too hyped about it, but do have plenty of water and other drinks.  I've never seen this much precaution for a natural disaster in NY.. 

Blah(?)

Today was my last official day at work.  I won't say day "of" work, because I was only there a few hours. But I was working hard to wrap things up the best I could.  I probably walked out of that building for the last time ever.  I'm not sure how I feel.. I guess I don't feel much right now.  Maybe it's because it's all happening so quickly, or because I'm already mentally exhausted from stressing about all the changes as much as I have been, or maybe my mind is just in protective mode and is auto-piloting on keeping the emotions on a [somewhat] even keel.  I know the career change will bring me much more happiness long term and it's what I have to do.  The moving is tough.  But I suppose I should try to enjoy the "freedom" that this step symbolizes.  I'm about to enter a very interesting phase.. mooching off my family and going to school, but with the gift of a much wiser perspective.

Gratitude

Well, to follow up, yes- voluntary stuttering has somehow calmed down my nervous system once again.  Speech tension is back down to a "normal", workable level.  Amazing.  Going directly after something you fear (and/or annoys the hell out of you?) is the only way to get control over it.  

And so, back to general thoughts, today I said my little "farewell speech" to many of my coworkers in my division and some others within the headquarters building.  I also sent out an email to those in field locations.  Again, lots of positive feedback.  Everyone "gets it" and says I have some guts.  I have to say, I am enjoying the admiration and encouragement, especially since this is hard.  I work with some good people, and I'm so thankful for what they've taught me.  I want to take that with me always.  It's bittersweet.  However, it makes you think... let's not wait until someone leaves to say how we feel about them.  Not that everyone does that, but, just sayin'..

Fight

My post today is basically for my stuttering friends- who will understand- and of course for anyone else who may be curious.

Two days ago, for unknown reasons (as they usually are), I woke up on the wrong side of the "stuttering bed".  Since then it's been much more difficult to just.. speak.. than normal.  You know what I'm talking about.  I've gained enough tools to keep the tension light with my speech in general, and I've taught my body to play nice with me for the most part.  But for whatever reason, some days my body decides to basically give me the finger and hang me out to dry.  A fair amount of my speaking lately has been via the phone, which really doesn't help.  It's days like these that make me lean toward doubting myself, doubting that I'd be able to communicate to patients well and be a good liaison between them and their doctors.  But I can't let these days get to me.  I'm done with that. I know I'll be good.  I'll fight for my patients and I'll fight for me.  I'm ready.  I have met other stuttering doctors and they say it doesn't affect treatment (just may annoy some people, which I've gotten over).  At this point in my life I'm pretty darn ok with stuttering when I'm able to keep it light and forward-moving.  But those "mind-body gap days" are bitches.  All this stress I've been talking about regarding turning my life upside down and changing careers is the easy part.  ;-)  

SO- tomorrow it's on with the voluntary stuttering.  That's the only thing that's been able to consistently get me out of these funks.  Let's see!